The troops arrive in Paris on Monday, including one wild cat with wild claws! Amy will be in New York crouching in the bushes.
We’ll get all up in your face and more!
You have been warned.
After downloading a plug-in to my brain, I am now able to record my dreams. This was a concept once introduced to me via Friendster, which was the beginning of the end of having a human contact based community of friends and lovers. Do you still have a Freindster account? Do I? Barf on Friendster! I had a friend who actually got laid via Friendster. And once Myspace arrived, she GOT LAID LAID LAID, and then repulsed by laying via Myspace. What started as a meat market ended as a shameless promotional tool for dumb bands. I hate bands.
Now I am just blabbering….
THE THING IS, I recorded a dream and I will post it below. This is what dreams look like in Paris, France:
Love,
Humanity
There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it’s time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all
We can’t go on
Pretneding day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God’s great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let’s start giving
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re saving our own lives
It’s true we’ll make a better day
Just you and me
Send them your heart
So they’ll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let’s start giving
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re saving our own lives
It’s true we’ll make a better day
Just you and me
When you’re down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There’s no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let’s start giving
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re saving our own lives
It’s true we’ll make a better day
Just you and me
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/972639344.html
And what do you know? I’ve gotten some fucked up responses already. Please feel free to send your own.
It is Saturday, December 27 and I am ‘home’ in California, typing to you in secret from my parent’s ‘library’. This is a room that holds a lot of bills, copies of bills, file folders, and outdated data storage devices.
I was going to write a blog about all of the E! News I have ingested this afternoon (I was vulnerable in a recliner chair after surfing in freezing temperatures with no gloves/overeating AGAIN) but I find myself perplexed and distracted by the fine craftsmanship of a leather pen holder in front of me. It is a symbol of something I have been discussing with my Mom all day, something I call the Contemporary American Home. The Contemporary American Home is a set of interior design objects, fixtures, finishes, colors and decor items that are commonly aspired to among people that are either not my age or do not live in New York City. There are a lot of glass tables and various carpet textures, wood banisters that are carved or polished in a way that says: “wine sophisticate” or “drives some class of Toyota”. These are people that buy normal shampoo brands, organize their bathroom drawers, watch a favorite sports team on TV, and buy more pet food before the current bag is done with.
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Contemporary American Homes have inspired a game I have been playing with myself for days: choose an item in your parent’s house and contemplate the circumstances (if any) under which you would own or want to own this item and reasons why.
Things I will probably never accomplish ownership of and/or understand:
1. Post it notes (especially ones with picture borders)–I had an internal dialogue about MAYBE IF I REALLY NEEDED THEM I would totally steal them from work but then I realized that no one EVER REALLY NEEDS Post It notes! They are a product of living in the Suburbs and getting a lot of pleasure from a trip to Staples, because people are totally nice at Staples in the Suburbs and you can just hang out with a cart and be on your cell phone and there is tons of room around you in the aisles and the copy guy is totally cool with you and people do not say “next on line”.
2. Extra stamps and/or stamps in general–UGH. WHO CARES?
3. Cable TV–This is a tough one but I can never rationalize devoting a portion of my income to channels of sitcoms that are either about doctors, secret agents, lawyers, or boring families broken down by race.
4. A fake book that opens to store things that are eyesores in the Contemporary American living room such as the several remote controls needed to operate a contemporary American living room. My mom informed me that our fake book that holds the remotes was snuck into the house by the interior decorater who charged us $500 for it (and also used ENTIRELY TOO MUCH BURGUNDY in the color palette). The fake book sits on top of an ottoman that is overly embroidered and is nearly the size of a seperate couch.
5. A clock shaped like a basketball (WOAH WOAH WOAH)
6. Granite countertops–Are these for real or is this a fad, like wood walls in the 70s? They are trying so hard to be cool and valuable! Am I supposed to think: “Wow, (insert homeowners name) has really made it! She has granite countertops and everything!” Or, ” Wow this rock has just been cut open and look at all of it’s charm and nuance! This is not a repeat pattern but a series of REAL LIFE IRREGULAR FLECKS OF GOLD IN HERE!” And those inlaid rocks outside–am I supposed to believe that is a path that exists in nature? TEVS people. I do not understand how these things are perceived to look expensive. It looks like Disneyworld!
Describing the current state of hipster fashion would be pointless since it hasn’t changed in three or more years– maybe five years? There have been certain additional trends laid on top of the ever present trends such as “Native American” items (feathers, MOCCASINS, dream catchers, shirts with wolves howling at moons, the desire for nature (as long as drugs are involved) and even sweat lodges,) and “Pirate” items (if I go into detail about this I will kill myself and it’s Christmas Day so no) and of course the whole unicorn dolphin rainbow sparkly mustache kick.
What I want to know is when are hipsters going to GET REAL and start dressing like Somalians? Please see below for more detailed information:
Pictured above we see two gentlemen in effortless summer clothing and one in a more formal suit which is reminiscent of a military style (hipsters love military coats, patches, etc.) The gentleman in the white pants has them cuffed, which is cool and attractive with his baggy yellow button-up. Don’t ignore his groomed mustache! To his right we see a simple white button up with short rolled sleeves and some patterned pants. This would be perfect for a summer concert at McCarren Pool! The man in the military garb is just plain sexy– and crosses gender lines wearing a head piece we commonly see on Muslim women.
Pictured above is a Somalian youth in a cooler scarf than any hipster would ever own. Put this kid in a park with a skateboard and he/she would shred.
Look at the photo above and tell me that this collection of attire wouldn’t look phenomenal on a roof top bbq! The women are relaxed, colorful, creative and mix prints like they have BFA’s from Parsons. You may notice here and there a piece of jewelry augmenting the piece, and their hair is perfectly tied away from the face for a fresh summer look.
First of all, fuck your iPhone. That walkie talkie can do things your iPhone is too gay to ever think of doing. Put away the black and red stripes and white scarves and dress like a real f’ing pirate. This guy is a REAL PIRATE! And on top of that, he looks f’ing HOT.
An older hipster with a 9-5 job can appreciate the gentlemen pictured above who are not fearful of wearing colors and patterns, They are all individuals despite their business meeting, and they take it much further than wearing sneakers with a suit.
Sorry hipster bitches! Living on Parliaments, vodka sodas, and laxatives might make you fit into your size zero pants, but this women has the real deal. She is REALLY thin, and you know what? She looks better than you. Her skin is glowing, she has layered colors and patterns in draped elegance, and her baby (she is fertile cause she hasn’t been taking the Morning After Pill three times a month since she was 18!) is so cute and happy. Put her in Park Slope with the other “cool” mothers and watch their sheen fade, fade, fade away.
Last but not least, above you will see what a belt of ammo can do to really enhance an outfit. His jacket has a traditional eighties cut, and the red shirt beneath it makes it funky. You think you look like a bad boy after not washing your hair for a month? Try carrying a super long and terrifying gun. Then watch the ladies in leggings fall all over you.
READY.SET.GO
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Dear Press Body Press Fans and Enemies and Friends and Stalkers,
I am incredibly sad and depressed to announce the death of Tina. I am too emotional to get into specifics but Tina passed in the early afternoon and everyone is like WAY beyond sad. Tina (along with the Prof.) was an important contributor to various Press Body Press endeavors. She stepped on our paper, distracted us with her beauty, and simply charmed us with her indifference. Tina, you were an amazing woman and I simply don’t know what I’m going to do without you. … I guess I’ll just let this tapeworm take over my body.
Tina, you were a class act. We know you’re hunting in heaven and we miss you terribly. Rest in peace my distant dear. Rest in peace. In lieu of flowers, donate in Tina’s name to the ASPCA.
Love,
Amy